Perhaps I need to be medicated

One of the biggest struggles I've had in my life is that I hide my true feelings from people for fear of scrutiny or hurting people's feelings. Basically I dont' want people not to like. I put on a happy face until no one is watching and then I vent, usually alone in my car. I've discussed this before. I'd like to think I'm making an effort to tell people how I really feel and say what's really on my mind instead of agreeing or sugar coating things but I know that will be a tough habit to break. But some dude once said a journey of 1000 miles begins with one step or something to that effect. Anywho, I think I've suppressed my moods for so long that now they are boiling over. First my crazy mood swing from hell with the Corina thing last week. that was scary enough how I ran with my feelings. It felt good. But then yesterday I threw the biggest tantrum in my office. Chad's cell phone stopped working and so I called in a new one and we have 7 days to get the busted one back to the cell phone people before they charge us for the new phone. They even sent Chad a threatening text with a charge of $400. So we got his new phone last Friday. By Tuesday the old phone was still sitting there. I took it with me to work to give it to my good-for-nothing UPS driver. I wasn't there when he came and Corina didn't read the label and kept it thinking it was something that hadn't been opened for the previous day. I yelled out "why didn't the driver take my package?!?!" and she told me it was her fault. No biggie so I took it to the UPS store but had already missed their daily pickup so instead of just leaving it I took it with me to give to my good-for-nothing UPS driver on Thursday. Well we can't seem to hold on to a decent driver as our stop is on a trainging route. So the driver that delivered on Thursday didn't bother to come down to the bookstore, he just left all our stuff at the loading dock and didn't bother to check if anything was going out. So I get back from lunch and I am satisfied that my box is no longer in the building. Then Jim, our dock dude, strolls in with my box, "yeah, this didn't make in out today..." and before he could finish I threw my arms up in the air "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! why not, what was that jackasses excuse? why can't this damn box just go to where it needs to go? jesus christ what does it take?" and poor Jim was shocked. I've know him for the entire time I've worked on my campus and he's never seen my act like that. He tried to take the blame and even offered to drive it down to the UPS store himself at that moment but I told him that it wasn't his fault or his responsibility and that I would handle it. He probably thought I was having a psychotic episode.... and I guess..... I was. Corina saw the whole thing and she told me that Jim sorta jumped back and looked frightened. I didn't notice with all the red I was seeing. I was sort of embarrassed but then I stopped and realized my reaction was natural and in my eyes justified so now I'm conflicted as to whether I over-reacted or if my natural feelings are best even if they do scare grown men? I'm not sure. Either way I finally got it to the UPS store in time later that day...in case you were wondering.

4 days later....

*if you haven't read the entry before this one then you should read it first as this entry won't make sense without that one.

my nurse leaves me a voicemail yesterday. here's what she said.

"yeah, the medication we prescribed on Monday needs to be changed. It's not going to have any effect on your infection. we've called in a new one for you."

yeah great, thanks.

and it burns burns burns

It's been a tough week. Last week was crazy with buyback in full swing. Plus I worked 3 weight watchers meetings and also went back to work on Friday night to open the store during graduation. I had a starbucks before I went in and ended up packing up like 100 books in an hour, ringing customers and being more productive on that one cup of delicious sugary coffee than I had that whole day. Then, Sunday while relaxing, I get that ever familiar feeling in my hoo. Yes it hurt to pee. I've been here before. When it burns it means I have a U.T.I.(urinary tract infection.) I've had them since I was 20 and I average about 2 a year now. It came on very suddenly and without warning. I was in uncomfortable pain in about 2 hours. I ran to Walgreens and bought some over the counter stuff that's supposed to help with the pain until you can see a doctor. By Monday morning it was full blown terribleness. I called in to work (which I don't do very often) and just showed up at my doctors office. I know from past experiences that if I call that I'll only get the run around until they finally make me come in and pee in a cup anyway so I thought I'd cut out all the non-sense and just show up. I peed and went home. That was at 8:00. By 3:00 I still hadn't heard anything. I called and got a bit of a run around and then my doctor walked in and told the nurse I was talking to that yes I indeed had an infection (I don't have a medical license or degree but I could've told her that myself had she just asked!) so they called in the same prescription they always do. I don't know why I always have to give them a pee sample. I mean I think I know what it is when I have the exact same thing happen to me over and over. By Tuesday morning I still wasn't feeling great but I decided to go to work anyway. It got a bit better by lunch but by dinner time I was back to awful pain and non-stop trips to the bathroom. The bad thing was that I was working my weekly meeting and had to get up about every 5 minutes to pee. plus my back was hurting and I had a fever. I got up a total of 9 times in 1 hour and finally couldn't take it anymore. I was peeing out chunks of blood. I apologize for the graphic detail but you have to know the details if you wan to fully understand my pain. If you can't take all this pee talk go on to the next paragraph. Anyway, I leave my meeting early (after weighing in and finally reaching my goal weight, woohoo for me, pat on the back and a skinny high-five to myself) and rush to urgent care. I gave another sample and it was the ugliest, blurry brown color that has ever come out of me. The doctor on duty told me that she couldn't even tell that I had taken any antibiotics and that this was one hell of an infection. She said that the meds my doctor put me on were so dated that most people and bacteria build up a tolerance to them. She put me on something newer and stronger. I got home and crashed. I didn't start to feel normal again until Thursday afternoon. I am still peeing a lot but at least it doesn't hurt. Both doctors sent my samples to the lab for cultures but neither have called me back with results.
So if that wasn't bad enough my boss calls me Tuesday and tells me he wants to ask Corina to move over to a store in need of a manager. Company policy states that anyone in a salaried management position must work a consecutive 18 months before being considered for a promotion. So yeah, a bit confused, Corina is understandably excited and honored to be asked. I on the other hand am so disgusted with my boss for what I feel is pure sabotage of my happiness and overall well being of my store. I went nuts. I was livid. I told Corina that of course she had to consider it because it came with a huge pay increase and was closer to her home. I don't begrudge her any happiness but for the time I was only concerned with my unfortunate bad luck in keeping a steady number 2 person employed for longer than 6 months. I took it completely personally. How could he just swoop in and offer her a position that she wasn't technically allowed to apply for? What the hell was I supposed to do now? I get to train another employee for a job that is not learned over night. I get to introduce another new employee to my faculty and I expect them to take her seriously, the 3rd in 1 year. Yeah right, they barely take her seriously even though she is more than worthy. She's so great but some of them still insist on talking to me directly cause to them she's number 3 in 1 year. What the hell. I haven't been that angry in a long time. Some of it was probably from my discomfort. I feel bad that I acted the way I did but they were my true feelings and I didn't feel like hiding them like I always hide my feelings for fear of judgement. I know she felt really bad and torn. I told her that she wasn't even going to think about not applying. I told her that i was so sorry for the way I was acting and it had absolutely nothing to do with her. The next day I was pretty cranky. I had my ugly face on. I chose to seclude myself in my office so that I wouldn't have anymore outbursts. By the middle of the day I started to feel better. Amy came back to work part time and she made me smile as always. Then out of the blue she tells me that if Corina did leave she would consider stepping back in to her old job. I was so shocked cause I thought she was done for good with textbooks. Or maybe she just loves me. I like to think that's what it is. But then Corina called me later that night and told me that she decided not to apply. She said she wasn't quite ready to be a manager yet. I was of course very happy but also felt bad. I told her that I hoped my negative attitude didn't have anything to do with it cause it really wasn't directed at her in any way. She said that if anything, that would have made her want to leave but that she understood how it must have made me feel. So the week ended okay and then Hank died. I found his lifeless body at the bottom of his tank. He drowned, I think. He hasn't been eating or swimming. We are unsure why he didn't survive and we were both pretty sad last night but we are going to try again but first do a little bit of research on red-eared sliders.

Alto!

Arrived home safely from Mexico today. I posted a slide show at the bottom. We had a great time. It was too short but we made the most of it. We got in mid-day Thursday. Our resort was gorgeous and right on the beach. We took a sunset cruise and drank lots of free beer. We got to "stear" the boat. Friday we did a lot of lounging. By the pool, by the beach...anywhere with sun coverage. The beach was pretty nice. The annoying part was the constant sellers approaching you every 5 minutes. They all have the same crap and they ask more than once. When we went to town the mothers had their small children doing the vending. We're talking 5 year olds trying to sell everything from chiclets to silver jewerly. In the early morning we went out to the tide pools. The beach is only about 50 feet from the hotel. When the tide goes out in the morning it's much closer to 100-125 feet away from the resort. The coral reef uncovers a world of living sea life. Lincoln is the master tide-pooler. He and Chad turned over tons of rocks. They found Octopus, tons and tons of crabs, shrimp and fish. We brought home a ton of shells. I hope they don't stink up the house. This morning before we left Chad found a giant bone. It looked like a femur. Then by 10:00a.m. the tide comes in again and you can't walk where you were you just hung out an hour ago cause it's to deep. We also took the banana boat. I spent half the ride with my eyes shut cause the wind was blowing hard and the sea water was blowing and it stung bad. We went to town and Chad found a great little seaside restaurant that served the best shrimp cocktails ever. Cheap beers and great food. Jackie and I bought Coach purses. Not sure if they are real. They are great replicas as far as quality. They wouldn't haggle below $80. But when I bought my purse in NY I got them down to $20 so who knows. I wore sun screen so I wouldn't get burned but I also didn't get any color so it was kind of a jip but I guess I'm avoiding early aging but I'll be pale and blah in the process! We also shot off fireworks. I never had before so Chad made me light one and it was satisfying to blow something up and have it look pretty. We really did have a great mini break. We are looking forward to going again in October. I think Chad wants to buy a time-share! I heard the Mayan resort is pretty cool.

Puerto Penasco Vacation

Tasty chicken and boring art

Had a full and productive weekend. Chad and I went to see the Rembrandt exhibit at the Phx. Art Museum and I can confidently say that I can do without Dutch art. It was crowded and most of the paintings were self portraits and I hate self portraits. Then for an extra $2 we saw the custom car exhibit. That too was boring and the cars were dusty and I think that a museum should be able to keep the place dust free considering how little is inside that huge space. But it was nice way to spend an afternoon with my loverboy. We came home and Chad made what could have been the best chicken I have ever had in my entire life. It was that good. Beer can chicken. He stuffed a carcass on to a beer can and smoked it for 1 hour. The most delicious and tasty bird I have ever had the pleasure of eating. I made pasta salad and we just ate to our hearts content. Chad gave me cooking lessons and now I can make pesto from scratch, pretty fancy. On Saturday we went to Trader Joe's and I saw this poor guy get treated so rudely by this chick in the parking lot. We were walking back to our car and the guy crosses in front of us and asks the chick if she lived around here. Before he could say another word she starts blurting out "NO! whatever it is you have or want or whatever your selling I don't want it, I'm not interested, leave me alone!" and he was so confused. Had she taken the time to notice that he had a minivan full of children and a woman who was probably his wife. He was stunned and said "I just wanted to know if there was a CompUSA around here." I was so appalled by that rude bitch and I told him that there was one across the street while we walked between them. He thanked me and I was happy to help. I mean I hate sales people as much as anyone but she didn't even give him a chance. I felt so bad for him. It made me remember that rude crotchety man that had called me a dumbass earlier in the week. A nice guy asking for directions and she totally treats him like some criminal. Then Sunday night Chad got on this kick to make fresh beef jerky by this crazy method he saw on the food network. He had me to so excited that I rushed to Costco to buy the meat and what should have been a $20 visit quickly turned in to $170 visit. Man I can't be left alone in that place. So yeah, pretty interesting weekend. To us at least.

Amy came home last week and she agreed to come work for us part time and I'm so glad. I promised not to drag her back in to the company. We go to Mexico on Thursday. I am freaked out a bit cause Kristian told me to watch out for the cops who stop you for no reason and take you to jail and won't let you out until you pay them. Yeah, needed that. I won't obsess too much. yeah right.